Face the truth

Conversation with Middle 17 in February 2026

You're supposed to make an appointment. 

He said sometime during or before exam time. He said probably sometime during or before exam time.

He didn't give an exact date. I don't think so. 

Did you talk to her about anything? About your mood? About your feelings? About you hating your body? Any of that? 

No. 

Do you talk to Dr Lee about it. You can't really work on that if you're not going to face it and talk about it. 

Kind of the main reason you are seeing Dr Lee is to discuss this, talk about it and deal with it instead of kind of ignoring it and not talk about it. That's what Dr Lee is for, to work through these things to help you understand yourself and what's going on for you. To talk about all the things you did online. The things you saw when you were so young. It was very worrying for us to know that you went through that. It was traumatising for you.

So you've got nothing to say?

What do you want me to say?

I don't know? Anything! Have a two way conversation you know.

I really don't think it affected me as much as you think it does. I can think of the top of my head several things that were more traumatising than that.

What like?

Being constantly bullied for most of my life.

You and Parker always arguing all the time.

Maybe just fucking hating my life. 

I think they might be slightly worse.

We didn't argue all the time.

Well the memories I have you have screaming matches all the time. But then again my memory does fail me all the time so maybe it was just once or twice.

Well it probably felt like a lot. Which is understandable. I know it wasn't very nice to hear it and I'm sorry you got caught up in it.

It was a terribly traumatic time for everybody. And I fully understand the bullying as the same thing happened to me. I know how awful that is. You've added them all up towards hating yourself. It's not healthy to be hating your own body and your own ability.

There were quite a number of terrible arguments I had with Ellie. You're right. It was a very very difficult time for everybody.

It really fucked us all over and fucked us all up. I'm sorry you had to hear that or be involved in it. It was a terrible time.

It wasn't your fault but it has affected you. I'm sorry about that.

I don't think you fully realise how horrible it was.

You can't let that drag you down and affect you so much.

I know.

We've moved on. We've tried to make things better. We've worked really hard to get back to some proper communication, a proper relationship. It's not like we carried on and kept it, kept that going.

It's been traumatic for all of us. Which is why you need to talk about it and you need to deal with it. 

I mean what do you talk about with Dr xxx if you're talking about the stuff you should be dealing with? It's like a wasted appointment.

I don't know I can't remember. I haven't seen him in a while.

Yes but you have seen him a lot, almost a year maybe. A lot. If you're not going to deal with the issue and not going talk about the issues then it's just a waste of money and time and effort.

We talk about stuff.

Yeah?

And YOU don't realise how much that all affected you and how much trauma it was for you and for us. You're the one who doesn't understand. All that time, what that did and all those websites you were on and twitter feed, disgusting stuff, pornographic stories, sugar daddy's. You know all those terrible terrible things you were getting into at a very young age have absolutely and totally affected you. It's traumatised all us, let me tell you. So for you to say you don't think it's affected you that much is so immature 

I'll mature up. Good.

You've no idea. You know it's not every day your 14yr old is about to send nude pictures to some gross bloke just for money. That's truanting and that is damaging and affecting. I'm really shocked for you to just sit there and say none of it had any effect. I think it's worse than it has been. You've no fucking idea how traumatic it all was. 

 (When you told?), honestly (crying)

Well yeah it kind of sounds like you're saying it was traumatic for you.

And you. You don't understand what it did to you and how it affected you all of that. You don't come out of that unscathed. You've don't come out of spending months and months on twitter eating disorder and cutting sites. Lpokjng at that sruff daily and Dreaming about doing it to yourself. Dreaming about being that skeletal. You're telling me that doesn't have any effect on you whatsoever. You're delusional. You're delusional if you think you've come out of that unscathed. Apart from the fact that you now think you're male. I mean, that could be, couldn't be the most craziest outcome of all of it. Somehow convinced yourself that you're born in the wrong body, which doesn't exist. Because of the crap that you saw online and the crap that you were taught in school.

You seem to have this idea that somebody told me.

Yes, they did. You were told it. Exactly that. In RSHP, in Primary 6 and Primary 7, you were told exactly that. And because you're autistic and because things were difficult for you, you latched onto it. Both of you latched onto it like it was G-d and you ran with it massively without ever stopping to think about the actual truth and the logistics and the actual... real life side of it. You got latched onto a fantasy. You ran with it. You think it's going to cure you somehow. Not that you need curing, but you think it's the answer to all your problems. And it's completely destroyed your childhood and if you can't see that, then it's really worrying. Worrying. Because it really has. It had a massive, massive impact and a massive effect on all of us, but especially you. 

Well, I know that. I've lived with it. I don't... I don't think it's the be-all, to cure all. In fact, I fucking hope one day I'll wake up and I'll be like, Oh, maybe this isn't for me and I'm not actually a boy and I don't feel like this. You were right.

But you're not actually a boy. You're not. And you never can be and you never will be and you weren't born wrong. You were born beautiful in my belly for nine months. Less than nine months. You were that eager to get out, you wanted to come early. And you were a beautiful, beautiful baby girl who... who didn't have a care in the world until all of this nonsense nightmare started. 

Well, I hope I either see that one day or... I don't know.

It's not like I want to fucking feel like that. If it was an easy…

It's okay to feel bad and to feel... I mean, it's not okay, but it's normal to feel these feelings when you're a young person going into puberty. These are normal, normal feelings. And they've been twisted and taken and... turned into something really horrific by a very, very insidious and dangerous agenda that you don't understand. Because you don't look at that stuff, you don't read, you don't take in all of this stuff that I've been researching for six years now and it's all coming to light. And you know it is.

You see the news, you see what's going on. You see how terrible, these people have gone through this and they come out the other side and they're detransitioning and the hell that they're going through and they realise that they were duped and they were thrown down this path because it's... This is why I want you to watch one of these films with us to understand and get a different perspective and get a better understanding of what's going on. I'm not sure when it's good to do it because you're going away, you've got exams and there's always something to ignore it and put it on a back burner, pretend it's not happening. You know we're all very good at that in the house because it's just been so traumatic and we just don't want to keep bringing it up because it's difficult for everybody. But you've got intercepted at a young age and told a whole load of... a whole load of pseudoscience and it has affected you and it's affected all of us. 

Are you still pursuing testosterone? Do you still think that this is going to be the answer? Are you still wanting top surgery? Are you still wanting a double mastectomy? Are you still wanting your bottom sewn up? Your vagina sewn up? 

Do you want an honest answer to those questions? 

Right now I want to know where you're at.

Because yes I still plan on going on testosterone and yes I plan on getting a double mastectomy. I don't know when, I don't know how. 

I dont even think you need to get…why would you need to do it? You've flattened your chest and ruined it so badly that there's nothing there to remove. Why would you? Why would you put yourself through the horror and pain of something when you've already got nothing there? And you're destroying any chance that you'd have of being able to feed your babies. But apparently it doesn't stop the milk coming in. So the milk comes in, there's nowhere for it to go and you're in absolute agony and pain for months after your baby's born because there's nowhere for it to go.

Because you chopped them off. But the ducts are still there, they're still producing milk but there's nowhere for it to go so it's plugged. That's what happens.

I've seen it and I've read about it in a number of people who detransitioned, became pregnant and then that happened. That's what they had to endure. You've got nothing there already.

You've already stopped their growth. I have no idea what they look like, how deformed they are, how much damage you've done already and you want to carry on damaging your body. Testosterone is irreversible.

The effects that they give you are irreversible even when you stop. They destroy your vocal chords. They destroy your...well, your levels. Everything. They're irreversible. It causes early menopause.

You see the hell that I'm going through right now with my body because of menopause? You see the hell that I go through? You want to go through that at fricking 25? Destroy your entire body, go into early menopause and have osteoporosis. All these things that I'm getting and you want to do that at 20? Do you really think you're going to be able to carry on with your studies? You should be focusing on your work, on your future, on your profession that you clearly are working hard to get. If you go down that path in the middle of all your studies you're going to destroy it all. You'll not be able to go back. You'll be in major, major after-surgery pain for... God knows how long and the complications of these surgeries are immeasurable. I just don't think you've looked into this properly. You see it from one side and one side only and you think that this is going to be your answer. When all I can see is more destruction. It's already destroyed six or seven years of our lives. How much more do we have to... Are you going to go on before you completely destroy it? I know you're struggling and I know you're finding things difficult.

It's part of your autism. It's part of growing up. It's part of normal puberty.

And this trans agenda has pushed all that normal stuff aside. Completely bollocks safeguarding for kids. And it's not helping. Living in this incongruous double life that you're trying to lead is what's causing half of your mental health issues. 

I'm not living a double life. 

You think that you're a boy. You're living like you think you're a boy. That's a double life. You're pretending to be something that you're not. How is that not a double life? You need to talk about it. You need to talk about these things. 

Testosterone gives you a euphoric high before you get that inevitable crash of a controlled drug. Because it is a controlled drug. It's an illegal controlled drug. And they're just handing it out willy-nilly to eleven-year-olds. I mean, you have to see the issue there? 

I'm not eleven. I'm seventeen.

I'm nearly eighteen. 

Yes I know you're not eleven. 

I'm fucking old enough to make my own decisions.

No, you're not, sweetie. 

And I will be by the time that I actually plan on doing it. And if at that time I decide not to, I won't do it.

Meanwhile, you've had seven, eight years of being indoctrinated by it. Of being fed one-sided information.

It's not one-sided.

I'm hearing the other side right fucking now. I hear the other side every day. 

Where? 

School. People. It's not like people are telling me that what I'm doing is good. 

Who's telling you what? 

Nobody's telling me anything. I get bullied for it. Why do you think I'm fucking bullied? 

Because you... 

Because I'm weird, I'm autistic, I'm trans, I changed my name in first year, I dye my hair, I look like a freak. 

If you think you look like a freak, why do you do it? 

Because I like the way I look. I put so much work into liking myself and every single time I, like, have an idea of who I am or, like, think I like myself, I have this conversation with you and I don't fucking like myself anymore. 

What? This conversation? I'm telling you... 

When you call me delusional. 

I'm telling you that you are perfect the way you are.

You call me delusional. And I'm indoctrinated. And I'm delusional and I've been fed lies. (Shouting)

Because it's the truth and I know it's hard to hear. But there's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect the way you are.

You think I'm delusional. 

The way you do your hair and all the outfits that you wear, they are so incredible. Incredible.

I think your thinking is delusional, yes. 

I don't think I'm delusional.

 But that's... That's probably the exact definition.

Part of the definition is that you don't think it. You don't see it. 

I have put so much work into liking myself.

And every single time I vaguely do, I have to listen to you. And I hate it. I fucking hate it.