...and another trans bomb, did I poke the bear?

We're not special that we can somehow avoid this trajectory. The same path that every other 'trans' child has taken to cut off parents. The next step and the next step keeps showing up and we are powerless to stop it. The next thing you know she'll have a beard.

She is on the Sandyford waiting list for testosterone

I'm still so fucking angry. Mucked out the sheep and screamed and bawled into the wind and at my husband. All she does is lie to me then when I understandably get upset and angry at her deception she turns it round and says I didn't tell you cos I knew you'd react like this. This is almost why I didn't tell you I was trans she blurts out, cos you think they are all rapist and peadophiles and delusional. Whaaaat? When have I ever said that to you, why would you make up such disgusting stuff? Oh backtrack backtrack you didn't say that, you just said delusional. Which admittedly I have said that.

The same mean way

The same rewriting history

The same steps, the same path. 

It's the way she tells me things, parts of information drip fed inconsistently and the way she says it, as if I'm now somehow this unsafe unknown woman and the fact that she has lied to me for months and months and for so long a stranger, whilst being right here in my heart and our home. Again and again and again, it keeps happening, and I keep forgiving and wondering how did we get here? So I keep trying, and I keep talking, and I keep driving, and I keep trying to keep the communication going and the connection and the love, and she gives me drip fed inconsistent chosen moments or nothing. I love those moments though. 

It's partly cos of autism, partly cos she's a teen, partly cos she's not being a very nice person right now and partly cos she's living a captured lie.

How much more do I take?

How much more can I take?

Why won't she give me back some of her heart?

Why does she want to be a boy? She doesn't want to talk to me about it. So we don't talk about it. It's the same every time. Then I force a conversation, and it turns into another revelatory transbomb explosion, and so I explosion back and fulfil her already filled story of tragic trans life.

I don't think testosterone is the answer, but what do I know, I would have gone under the knife for liposuction from 11-17, but

I'm no longer 17 living in this misogynist, homophobic, regressive society being told you're all wrong inside, here's the answer ----> ♀️💉♂️